Embracing the Shadow Self Through Memoir Writing

“Creation I considered a danger to my loves, my human relationships. In creation I would reveal what I was, in opposition to the roles I played to be whatever anyone needed.” -- Anais Nin

The above photo is one of the self portraits I shot while writing my memoir “Soul Tripper.”

This summer I watched Nik Wallenda walk a wire high over Niagara Falls. What a risky feat! It was so inspiring, the power of his total focus. It made me believe anything is possible.

In my opinion, engaging in memoir writing could be one of the riskiest endeavors you’ll ever undertake. It’s a life-altering, high-wire act. First, you must summon the courage to expose yourself and your life through this type of writing. Many well meaning memoir writers are unable to take this leap of faith and work on their projects, paralyzed with fear about the possible repercussions of such unbridled honesty.

Then, you might become consumed with worry about the effects such truthful writing will have on your life and relationships. Pondering memoir writing, it often becomes very clear how big the divide is between our private authentic selves and the public self we share with others. Finally, you have to actually sit down and write your story, pushing past all the distractions and excuses to organize your thoughts and experiences and turn them into words through the creative art of memoir writing. This demands total focus.

I think this is why so many people aspire to write memoir, but so few actually do get their projects completed and published. There is a price tag attached to memoir writing, and that is: relinquishing the public persona or inauthentic self that is a mask we are often all too comfortable wearing. Our masks help us get along or get ahead in life and win love and approval, and we’ll take that love, approval and success, even if we have to trade off feeling loved and accepted for our real self.

Memoir writing that exposes the shadow or “dark side” reveals our truest selves to others, with no room to be phony, adopt a facade, or conceal the authentic self. That can be very satisfying and fulfilling while at the same time, it’s truly terrifying and risky. Suppose we reveal the fullness of our humanity to others by showing them our true identity, shadows and the light, and we are not loved? Suppose we are rejected for not being who they want us to be?

It’s a risk we all must take. We all want to be loved for our authentic self. But while others can play the game, altering and giving away parts of their true selves in order to please others and win their love, memoir writers dance along the edge, boldly requiring other people to love us for our truest, unmasked selves. When you’ve opened up and exposed the Self in memoir writing, you can’t hide. It’s all out there, all your frailties, failures, personal history, and darker impulses exposed on the page.

If you’re meeting new people, dating or forming a new relationship, making friends, relating to relatives, the authentic “you” is out there if you’re a memoir writer. As people discover and read your memoir, it can be a real game changer in your life. Relationships could possibly break up, friends may come and go, and family ties may be renegotiated as people in the memoir writer’s life adjust to such a blatant assertion of authenticity.

So that really levels the playing field. As you go deeper into memoir writing, you could get some responses that are negative, like “I didn’t know you were like that.” Or maybe family, friends, dates or acquaintances will be confused or angry when you no longer play a role for them that they are comfortable with. They might even ask: “Who are you?” or insist that the person illuminated in memoir is “not the real you.”

The gift in all that memoir writing is: the miracle of truly knowing who YOU are.

When you have that through your memoir writing, once you have that, you’ll never look back. You won’t be so willing to be inauthentic, to trade away pieces of your true self just to please another person, to win their love. You won’t need or want to because embracing the shadow, making peace with those parts of yourself you thought were scary, unworthy or unacceptable, you’ll come to a place of radical self acceptance and unshakable self love.

Once you feel that sense of wholeness and identity, inner peace and authentic self love, you’ll draw a sacred circle around your world to protect it. You’ll start to make healthier choices that honor self love, and you’ll naturally repel anything that seeks to violate the boundaries of the healthy authentic self.

That has been my experience, writing and publishing my memoir called “Soul Tripper: A Journey of Awakening.” It opened me up to embracing the shadow sides of me I used to feel were shameful, as well as the more socially acceptable sides of myself I present to the outside world.

So you may think you’ll lose everything writing memoir, but there’s so much more to be gained. I’ve known writers who tell me they want to write memoir but they are scared; perhaps they’ll just write their stories as fiction, because they are just not ready to expose the Shadow Self, to shake up their comfortable existence by revealing their truth.

To those writers I say, I truly understand your conflicts, but by hanging back and repressing your impulses to share the true self through memoir writing, you are being shortchanged. If you don’t embrace your shadow self or dark side and integrate all aspects of yourself through memoir, you’ll never embrace this glittering jewel known as true authenticity.

Embracing the shadow self through memoir writing has changed my life like nothing else has. I feel a deep sense of knowing about my true Self. I’ve been able to make peace with aspects of my past and experience a profound healing by writing memoir. I finally feel like I know who I really am, and I am able to love and embrace this authentic self for the first time in my life. Now that I have experienced that breakthrough feeling of deep self love, inner knowledge and wholeness, I know it’s something no one can ever take away from me.

So if you’re ready to take the big leap and be the high-wire walking Wallenda of your own life, find the courage to sit down and write that memoir (then publish it!) You won’t regret it!