Complex Ovarian Cyst and Wishes Fulfilled

Spring is in full bloom in the Hudson Valley, and this past week, everyone has been getting ready for Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

This photo shows one of my favorite “thinking spots” in the Hudson Valley, where I often go to dream, think things over and make some wishes. Over the past few years, I’ve developed a fascination with wishing, but have I been wishing well?

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to catch a few minutes of a PBS television program called “Wishes Fulfilled” with Wayne Dyer. He spoke about wishing in a more active sense, not just making a wish in dry, intellectual terms, but actually experiencing wishes as if they have already been fulfilled.

As I was watching the show, I was caught up in worries about my complex ovarian cyst (for more background about my journey with ovarian cysts, read the posts labeled “Ovarian Cancer Awareness” on my Comma Cafe blog).

For the past eight years now, I’ve been in what the medical community calls “watchful waiting” to monitor a complex cyst inside my right ovary for anything that might look cancerous. Over that time, I’ve gone from outright terrified and confused, to more sanguine, to a bit complacent about the situation with my ovarian cyst.

There have been times I’ve felt the white-hot fear of cancer pour over my whole body, causing anxiety and apprehension; other times I’ve pushed the dread to the far corners of my mind, almost forgotten. I put off my doctor’s appointment for a long while, but a few weeks ago, I had another pelvic ultrasound to keep track of what’s going on with my complex ovarian cyst.

No matter how long I “watch and wait” this cyst, I always feel a sense of horror and dread at the prospect of a phone call with test results. Is this the time I will need a laparoscopy, or is it time to consult the gynecologic oncologist? Will I lose an ovary if the cyst has to be removed and biopsied? On top of that, I also needed a mammogram, and I’ve been told that breast cancer runs in my father’s side of the family.

All of this caused my inner tensions to be running sky high as I stumbled across Dr. Dyer’s TV program that day, about “Wishes Fulfilled.” It seemed like a lot to ask the Universe, to make a big wish for a good test result. Could my wishing for healthy breasts and ovaries possibly have any impact on my test results? I’m a wishing enthusiast, but suddenly, I felt skeptical.

Still, it was worth a try, I had nothing to lose, putting some positive energy out there into the Universe in the spirit of the Law of Attraction, where our thoughts become things.

I listened to Wayne Dyer talk about experiencing your wish as if it is already happening, as if it has already been fulfilled. For a few moments before you go to sleep at night, let yourself experience the feelings evoked by the fulfillment of your wish. Don’t just wish with your head, wish with your whole being and your heart. That triggered in me something I had read years ago about the concept of remembered wellness. As I drifted off to sleep that night, despite my fears, I tried to hold in my mind this intention of having a healthy body. I tried to manifest it with my whole being.

Truthfully, I’m not sure what effect if any that had on my prognosis, but it gave me comfort and triggered something of a relaxation response that let me rest and get some sleep. I also drew comfort from other things Dr. Dyer discussed that day. He shared that he was diagnosed with leukemia, but I noted his strength, grace, humor and optimism in facing disease. Watching him speak about his own cancer, I felt inspired to handle any bad news coming my way with a measure of grace.

Anita Moorjani was Wayne Dyer’s guest on his show “Wishes Fulfilled.” Moorjani wrote a book called “Dying To Be Me” and I sat transfixed as she shared her story with the audience. She described how she was not expected to live; her organs were shutting down due to cancer. Her family was gathered around her bed, when she had a “near death” experience that forever changed her life. Moorjani survived and miraculously, today she is cancer-free.

That near death experience was transformative, and it led to profound self actualization. Watching her, I noted her powerful sense of presence.

Something Anita Moorjani shared about authenticity really struck a chord with me. She said that before her near death experience, she always tried to be a very positive person, which often translated into being a “people pleaser.” NOW, she has learned that it is more important to be authentic!

Authenticity means being true to our deepest sense of our self, honoring our Divine Wise Self, even if it means we don’t please others, or go along with what they want us to be.

I’m so glad I heard Dyer and Moorjani speak that day. It gave me a sense of peace, a calm eye in my personal storm of fear and nervous energy. Shortly after seeing the program, I received my test results. I do have a uterine polyp that might need treatment; however, my complex ovarian cyst is actually smaller in size!

Some people dream of winning the lottery, of having tons of money to buy things or take trips, or other kinds of material concerns. For me, the greatest wish that could be fulfilled is having my health. When you stop to think about all the things we chase in life, like money, power, material possessions or status and position, what is it all really worth if you’re ill? If you’re not in good health, what do those things mean?

Sometimes I flip by the home shopping channels where I hear pitch people selling products like fancy watches, designer denim or purses and make-up that will make other people like us more, or make us happier with ourselves. One thing that my journey with ovarian cysts has taught me is to appreciate life in a more simple way. All those things you think you need, like other people’s approval, the right car or house or possessions, they aren’t the keys to happiness.

Authenticity, health and wellness are things that really bring me lasting joy.

My journey has also taught me radical self acceptance. The other day right before my mammogram (which I’m relieved was normal) I caught my reflection in the mirror as I was dressing. I liked my body. Not only that, in all my body’s imperfections, I actually reveled in my feminine form. It was a long time coming. When I was much younger, all I saw was the flaws, always trying to change to please a guy, or society.

I think that young women and women of all ages are too indoctrinated into mass culture and its messages about body image. (Have you heard about brides on feeding tubes to fit into their wedding dresses? Talk about violating a healthy sense of self and body image!) The older I get, the more I feel the urge to celebrate my curves, and I always smile when I see images of unapologetic curvy women like Brigitte Bardot and Marilyn Monroe. I want to plaster the walls of my office with their movie posters:

“And God Created Woman”!

Now that I could finally love and embrace my body, celebrate my femininity, tears filled my eyes as I contemplated a test result that would cause me to lose a body part, like a breast or ovary.

I realized that I don’t need to change and rearrange myself to please critical, judgmental people; I need to gravitate toward those who accept and embrace authentic me. That’s a radical consciousness shift for me.

I feel such a sense of gratitude, that I have my health. I know that someday things could change, and that’s why I’ll keep up with my regular tests and screenings. But for today, I am healthy and that’s everything!

I have read that the ovaries represent our deepest creativity. The power of our feminine creativity needs full expression. Some say that blocked energies, like blocked creative power, have an effect on the body.

I wonder if I released some blocked creative power with the publication of my memoir. My complex ovarian cyst appears to be shrinking. There was something very healing for me about exploring the shadow sides of myself, releasing shame, sharing my story so honestly and honoring the authentic me. It certainly represents a true unblocking of creative feminine power, and a bold move toward a fuller sense of Self.

I’ve become really interested in the ways that nutrition, exercise, and emotional states impact the body, and it’s something I’m definitely going to continue to study as my journey to ovarian cancer awareness and holistic living continues. I wish you a very Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Note: All of my blog posts about my health represent my own research, opinions and personal experiences. My book and blogs are not intended to treat or diagnose any medical conditions. If you have any questions or concerns about your own health, please consult with a qualified physician.

For further reading, my book Soul Tripper has an entire chapter devoted to my journey with ovarian cysts called: “Close Encounters of the Ovarian Kind.”